sábado, marzo 22, 2003:
song of the day:
hoobastank - running away
and i don't need you to be by my side
to tell me that everything's all right,
i just wanted you to tell me the truth,
you know i'd do that for you. . .
- at the moment, i've lost a lot of confidence in my ability to be a friend. frankly, i spend too much time doing schoolwork or science olympiad or whatever, and i don't have enough time to spend with my friends lately. it's come to a point where i really can't return the attention and concern that my friends give to me. to make things worse, i have way too many "friends," and i end up not spending as much time with the people i should be probably spending it with. case in point: anya's birthday is coming up, and since it's so close to mine, we were hoping to throw some sort of joint party. but i've been making a terrible mistake these past few months: i haven't been to apple valley at all, and today my mom cried because i never have the time to come. and i don't even know what to do anymore, because as much as i know i need to go to apple valley, i have so many commitments that it'd effectively be suicide in terms of school and science olympiad. so i told myself i'd go to apple valley next weekend after olympiad, then stay the entire weekend after. . .that is, the weekend of my birthday.
translation: i fail anya. again.
- and now i'm just in a state of disarray, because i realize now that i should just stop pretending to be a good friend because when it really does come down to it, i basically choose schoolwork over people, and i shouldn't give people the illusion that i'm a true friend, because i basically just don't have the time for it. my allegiances are way too split, my priorities way too corrupt. i have a decision to make now: i can look at my life from a purely selfish, self-centered point of view, and tell myself that i waste too much time on the phone and hanging out when i really should be studying or doing something physical or improving myself. or, i can try to be the good friend i really want to be, which means dropping a wide range of school commitments and scholastic things, and just giving myself time to relax and do whatever.
- ironically, though, that decision is much tougher for me than it is for most people. all those commitments, those "burdens," are things that i really do enjoy doing - they just exemplify the kind of interests i have. so in the end, i get split between two personalities, and two different sides, neither of which i can really strongly associate; what i do know, however, is that right now i'm doing a bad job of trying to be both things. i'm not cut out to be the kind of loyal, caring, consistent friend that i always cherish - a bit of hypocrisy on my part. you only receive the kind of friendship that you show to others - except in my case, where i consistently fail to match the kind of companionship that my friends show me. in the back of my mind, i always knew it would come back to haunt me some day - and perhaps it already is. i mean, every time i go on aim (and i'm NOT away), i always have to ignore someone completely if i expect to carry on any sort of meaningful conversations. i just can't talk to 11 people at a time and plan to say anything meaningful, or not end up feeling like i wasted two hours or whatever. the "strategy," however, just doesn't work, and i end up ignoring people that i really don't want to, and not telling them things that they really care about. and so, once again, my lack of time comes back to haunt me. as a final note, know that i'm not trying to gain pity or sorrow - i'm just trying to find my true identity, and stop hurting other people, even if it's honestly unintentionally.
and, once AGAIN, uni high wins 1st at math day at the beach.
- and to be honest, it was quite a bit of a blowout. all six of our competitors (brian, si hyun, steve, olga, jackson, and me) placed in the top 20 scorers overall, and our team score was a 7 out of 8 (we made a really stupid mistake), whereas second place was a 5. major props go to steve, for winning FOURTH place overall, and jackson and olga, who tied for seventh (actually, olga ended up getting the title of "7th place" because her last name comes before jackson's xP). brian also picked up a nice prize for placing fifteenth, leaving si hyun and me as the disappointments. =P oh well, i guess it doesn't really matter how we did as long as the team did well - and they did fantastically. GO UNI!!!
- on the way home, picked up another piece of good news: christine made MIT!!! yaaaaaay!!! that makes a grand total of THREE from our school, which is a lot more comforting that the ZERO they took for early action. also, when i got home, i found out my dad had gotten the car fixed. . .albeit for a rather hefty price of $700, JUST TO FIX THE FREAKING DISTRIBUTOR. uncool. in any case, at least my car works again. X_x;;; on a more positive note, ceci called, which was a nice surprise, and we chatted for a while - but from there, my afternoon/evening just seemed to sink, especially after my mom called me and started the whole mindset that i described above. . .i'm off to play some basketball now, and hopefully it'll take my mind off things long enough to learn to spend my time more wisely.
Neil Biswas dreams on at
6:26 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
viernes, marzo 21, 2003:
song of the day:
justin timberlake - rock your body
see it appears to me
you like the way i move,
i'll tell you what i'm gonna do:
pull you close and share my groove. . .
- ok, admittedly, this song could use a little work: especially on the lyrics. at least that one line "i'll have you naked by the end of this song." *shudder* but the actual song is pretty catchy, and reminds me of the old michael jackson-style '80s hits. xP
wow. what a crazy day.
- so crazy, in fact, that i'm not sure where to begin. i suppose i should wake up first. . .which i did around 6. we discussed chapter 3 of sound and fury in english, and by some miracle of god i had actually read the chapter so i felt quite informed during the period. even cooler: i won an amethyst for my mom from gallery of diamonds for writing this poem for mother's day. =) econ sported a sub (mrs. skulsky), so i split my time between finishing up my spanish homework and watching this video on nike and their treatment of vietnamese factory workers (apparently, a lot them are suffering from toxic fumes coming from glues -_-). spanish had another sub, and we basically spent the period going over homework - a process that took way too long, at least to dahlia, jason and me. . .
- stats time, where we actually got to correct our own tests. now isn't THAT exciting? i can't describe the feeling as i made large red marks on rui's test (i didn't have the guts, or the morals, to grade my own test) and deducted points from his pathetic stats grade. MWAHAHAHA. anyways, enough of that - physics was incredibly boring, as the last part of the period was another ridiculously stupid mechanical universe video.
- and then the fun began! lunch at mun was depressingly empty, because a lot of the members were out with orchestra at festival or otherwise absent, so i basically sat around teasing puja and justin about board selections (i really shouldn't, but it's fun to play mind games with people who are really paranoid about things they shouldn't be xP). GAH, i'm mean. at the end of lunch, i went home and basically caught up on around a WEEK'S worth of sleep, and wasted away nearly an entire afternoon (with a little physics and fossils studying) before finally realizing at 6ish that i needed to get some exercise. . .so i took the car out to the UCI gym, and on the way there:
my car STALLED!!!!!!
- oh my gosh. in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, no less. so there i was, stuck helplessly in my car for around ten minutes before this INCREDIBLY nice guy in a truck stopped to my side and asked me if i needed any help (which i badly did). he, and another biker who stopped to help as well, helped me push my car to the side of the road (which isn't hard to do, because my car is super light - it's just that i needed someone to steer the wheel during pushing). the bad news was that jumper cables weren't enough to start my car; as i'd suspected, the problem wasn't with the battery at all. after thanking them profusely, (as well as rui of all people, who also noticed me on the way to the gym) i called up AAA, who had to come and tow my car to the nearest repair shop. *ugh*
- so that definitely put a sour note on my evening. to make matters worse, my mom thought i got into an accident, so she called me and started freaking out before i finally managed to calm her down. so i was badly in need of something to make my day good. . .and sure enough:
emily's home from stanford!!! YAY!
- her phone call was quite the welcome surprise, and i spent the next hour or so catching up on a variety of things and looking at the changes that'd occurred in the last year. . .it really makes you think a lot, when you put everything into perspective. anyways, when my dad finally got back from apple valley, he brought some more good news: i got a regents offer from ucla!!! score!! that definitely brightened my spirits too - either that, or it sapped any work ethic i had, because i spent the rest of the night chatting with people. first with cecilia, who gets the privilege of swimming tomorrow MORNING at 7, then with leslie, who i hadn't talked to in the longest time - we definitely caught up on a ton. and to end the night, i talked to kaidi about randomness, mostly about the "friends cycle" and how college changes everything. . .and whether most friends are permanent or just mere memories. =/
- tomorrow's math day at the beach - team UNI's out to annihilate troy and arcadia, and bring home 1st place for the third year in a row! meanwhile, my prom plot is underway (nyeh heh heh), and. . .kaidi's birthday still approaches.
Neil Biswas dreams on at
11:45 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
jueves, marzo 20, 2003:
song of the day:
seal - kiss from a rose
you remain my power, my pleasure, my pain;
baby, to me,
you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny -
won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?
- just couldn't resist - if you're bored, you, too, can figure out which homestar runner character you are. =D
got into ucsd!! yay!
- hopefully i'm not shoving that in anyone's face, but i'm really happy to get in - because it's an excellent biology school. . .anyways, that just happened to be the highlight of my day. basically, i woke up and once again found myself rooting india as they cruised past kenya (*cough* not only are we talking about cricket here, but now we're talking about kenya on top of that) into the world cup finals. THAT should be cool.
- gave anya a ride to school, too - which, as most of you should know, is actually a chore for me because it's faster for me to walk to school than it is to drive. no matter though - it's not like i was late or anything. . .econ was rather boring, and seager caught me not doing the problem she put on the board, altho i'd actually finished it waaaay before with kim and just got too lazy to write it down. =.= office hours was mostly spent in chem with kaidi and priya (where i managed to say something completely stupid that priya misinterpreted and took offensively), and later in want where we talked about. . .her stealing my chips. did i mention this yet?
mrs. want STOLE rui's and my chips!!
- even in stats, i failed to uncover her motives - perhaps because i was taking a test, but that's incidental. test went pretty well; i didn't think i bombed any particular section, which hopefully is a good sign. i spent lunch at the what-turned-out-to-be-overhyped debate at the crossroads between mr. ives and mr. mallis. the dumbest thing was that ives, a conservative, was forced to represent the pro-war side, and all mallis did was crack jokes rather than construct a solid anti-war argument. i think ceci and betsy (who i watched it with) agree that the quality of debate was rather low - at least for a pair of seasoned history teachers. . .
- ah well - too much complaining out of me. took biology olympiad after school, which turned out to be insanely hard. -.-;; if only i remembered SOMETHING about phylogeny from ap bio last year. afterwards, rui and i went to his house, where i found out that:
rui got into MIT!!
- w00t. go rui and ani, who so far are the only people from our school to get into mit. pretty damn selective if you ask me. rui and i ended up going to the ARC (uci gym), where we played basketball against these two college guys and actually proceeded to cream them (the guy who was guarding me kept standing next to me, so i just spinned around and fled for the basket). the rest of my evening was studying fossils for science olympiad and a few phone conversations about random stuff. . .and here i am, at 11 pm, with no work done and quite a bit to do. on that note, i bid you all a good nite!!
Neil Biswas dreams on at
6:01 a. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
miércoles, marzo 19, 2003:
song of the day:
saathiya - chupke se (hindi song)
kab yeh puuri hogi duur yeh duuri hogi,
roz safar karna,
yaara raat se din karna. . .
translated: when will this be finished,
when will this distance be gone?
each day, you must keep treading the path,
turn day into night, beloved.
- another hindi song, but hopefully you'll still download it because it's serene and the lyrics are very beautiful. a good song to establish a peaceful mood.
well, war has begun.
- i know everyone's put in their two cents (dollars for some) on this matter, but as president of MUN i feel obligated to give my opinion on this too. america's excuse for invasion is potential threat, and as much as everyone thinks that's a load of crap, i actually consider that a decent reason for invasion. problem is, it's still the wrong reason in this case. very simply, the rest of the world doesn't support this war, so president bush should never have wasted his time in an attempt to garner u.n. support for it. as for the security council, russia and china were never going to support it, and president bush failed to convince france to buy into the whole thing, so the u.s. is left with only britain and tony "i can't think for myself" blair as an ally. just to stress how bad it's gotten: the british defense minister resigned, just because britain sided with america on this one.
- so, what to believe? personally, i'd support the u.s. coming into iraq and removing hussein and his threat - if only that were the extent of the whole matter. put simply, the whole problem with this war is that iraqi civilians (and american soldiers, while you're at it) are unfairly putting their lives at stake just because of one man's actions. i really don't believe the u.s. is being a bully by going into iraq, but i can't bring myself to support this war - simply because iraqi civilians are certainly going to perish, and that's simply unfair. i seriously don't see why the president bush didn't send in an elite forces team to assassinate hussein, his son, and the other members of the regime (and if you think i'm kidding around or being impractical, just remember: president bush WANTS saddam dead). that would have been the easiest way around all of this, and regardless of who was suspected, the u.s. could just have blamed it on israel, or palestinian activists, or even india. whatever.
- anyways, i'll spare you from any further rambling. if you for some reason enjoyed reading that mish-mash, come to crossfire tomorrow at lunch and perhaps we can continue this debate on a more public forum. i still have a ton of homework to finish, so i'd better get started - the only reason i have any energy at all is because of the leftover adrenaline rush during the bme final. =P. . .kaidi's birthday approaches.
Neil Biswas dreams on at
7:41 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
martes, marzo 18, 2003:
song of the day:
foo fighters - everlong
breathe out,
so I can breathe you in, hold you in.
and now, i know you've always been out of your head,
out of my head i sang. . .
- and another day goes on in my life - uneventful, and yet inexplicably pleasing.
- so i woke up pretty late, but managed to finish my stats homework before leaving for school (more on that real soon). english was absolutely hilarious - stearns asked us questions on chapter two of sound and fury, and our class responded with. . .silence. oi. that book goes SO far over our heads, it's not even funny. we are sooo clueless. . .or at least i am. xP
- onwards to econ, where i sat and paid attention like a good boy for once. spanish was pretty routine as well, with nothing particularly notable except this excellent phrase we learned:
nalgas otoñales: sagging buttocks.
- just thought i'd enlighten you. hey, you estudiantes de español can even impress your teachers with it. onwards we go to stats, where i found myself without my homework. not pretty, especially considering want went around the class checking homework and thus was QUITE unhappy with me in that aspect. she still sent me up to the board to prove i did do it, but i don't think she believed me even afterwards. ah well - physics was some interesting points on magnetism, as well as a rather fun duck and cover drill. =D
- lunch was an mun board meeting where i had a little problem with some overconfident aspirants for next year's board. i felt a little like people were staking their claims for positions even before elections, so i dashed everyone's hopes with a declaration that it was quite likely that only one of them would make prez or vice prez. was i serious? i'm not quite sure yet. . .we'll just have to see. *nyeh heh heh* enough rambling tho - i had a dentist's appointment at 2:15, and when i came home i found out jeNn was a bit bored before her uci final, so i ran over to hang out with her.
- having had WAY too much fun for one day, i decided to cram for most of the rest of the evening, and at 6 i went over to uci to meet rui to study for the final - we ended up hightailing it to christine's house, where we stayed until 10:30 (for no good reason after 9, tho, except to watch smallville. xP) and then, of course, i find myself extremely tired - off to bed i go. -.-zzZZZZ
Neil Biswas dreams on at
4:51 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
lunes, marzo 17, 2003:
song of the day:
american hi-fi - another perfect day
so i might try to leave it all behind,
i know tomorrow's not so bright now,
i'll say goodbye, 'cause nothing good can last,
you wear and fade - you're nowhere fast. . .
- a badly needed change from the last few days, today actually brought change - for the better. i finally got to talk about it, and with conversation came understanding, which is the foundation of comfort. . .
- me tired, so i'll make this fast. got up in the morning to finish up stats and spanish hw (spanish is getting SO frustrating nowadays, there's way too much homework to do), then headed off to english. got my essay back and was very pleased with my grade, which set the tone for the rest of my day. econ was, as always, wildly entertaining, while spanish saw me pathetically attempt to tell a story in spanish (actually, the picture sequence was hilarious; basically this guy buys a painting at an exhibition, only to find out that his friend, who's a painter, is trying to create the same exact image using a connect-the-dots design. . .rofl). classic stuff.
- stats was expectedly pointless, while physics brought some pretty interesting concepts but little else. lunch was the best part of my day - i spent it in lunch studying with kaidi, and then after she left i checked to see if ucsd responded. . .which they hadn't. don't worry though:
got rejected by mit.
- TOLD you the rejections were streaming in. . .anyways, i actually didn't find out until after my uci final. which, believe it or not, actually turned out really well. i despaired the whole test throughout, but AFTERWARDS i reasoned it out and realized i actually didn't do as badly as i thought i did. hopefully, good enough for an A. =) anyways, got home, and basically just talked to kaidi for most of the night. . .and forgot to do my homework. *whoops* oh well. . .
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY!!!!
- almost forgot that (jay's party was yesterday, true enough, but his birthday's actually today. . .). last notes for the night: CONGRATS to ani for getting into mit (he's the only one right now. . .), and best of luck to steve lavin - you were a good ucla coach. =(
Neil Biswas dreams on at
2:18 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
domingo, marzo 16, 2003:
song of the day:
third eye blind - how's it going to be
where we used to laugh
there's a shouting match,
sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
a silence i can't ignore. . .
- it's getting worse and worse. the silence consumes me, and i can't keep away the sadness - worst of all is the knowledge that it really is of my doing, that i brought all of this about. maybe it's time i came clean. but first:
- got up pretty early this morning to finish up some minor stats and physics homework, then started working on science olympiad work. around 11, i stopped by target and picked up a gift for jay, whose house i went to at lunch - his family, being the incredibly nice people they are, threw a surprise birthday party for him, and a lot of us (anya, emily, bui, kunal, shyla, pooja, and i) showed up. it was a ton of fun, but i had to leave early around 2:30 to go to christine's house and work on science olympiad with my partners - who happened NOT TO BE THERE. T_T
- anyways, i came home around 6, tried to start working on spanish, but couldn't muster the will. after dabbling around with some college basketball stuff, i went online. . .and inevitably ran into this matter that i can't get off my mind.
- here's all i can really say: i think i underestimated the value of liking someone, regardless of whether it has an end product. i performed a 180 turn without even thinking, and left someone hanging in the process - and while i didn't think it would change a friendship, i didn't consider the ramifications of being insensitive. that's the word that describes me the best through all of this.
insensitive.
- that's all i am, that's all i've been, and i'm paying the price for it right now. i shouldn't toy with people's feelings, whether i do it consciously or unconsciously, and even though i know in my heart that i never intended to hurt anyone or ever send the wrong message, i managed to screw it all up in the end. and there's nothing i can do anymore.
there is rain ahead of us. it is unavoidable. and in life there are some places where sorrow is inevitable.
Neil Biswas dreams on at
8:44 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
song of the day:
new found glory - head on collision
it's not the falling of the temperature
that's making all our bones run cool,
it's the breeze you make
the presence felt when you're around me. . .
- i especially like that excerpt i just listed; the song's pretty sad, but i like it a lot - and it fits the mood i'm in right now. i'm not feeling too upbeat, sadly, because i think i may have made a terrible mistake that cost me a dear friend. life's not fair. i'll make this quick:
- woke up at 6:30 (WAY too early), and went to my berkeley regents interview at 10. my interviewer was this guatemalan professor who had worked for the u.n., and he was one of the nicest people i have EVER met. he even came out afterwards to talk personally to my dad, and he regarded me so highly - yet i was the one who was completely overwhelmed by all his accomplishments. berkeley's definitely one of my top choices now, just seeing how the faculty treat the students (and at the same time, the mere quality of the professors is mind-blowing).
- because of the rain, i just stayed home the rest of the day, doing homework and studying some physics c. went to bat boy in the evening, and ended my evening talking to chissy for the first time in ages and then chatting with ceci. . .but, as you've already figured out, i ended it on a depressing note.
ironically, it was a blog that saddened me; only, it wasn't my own.
- g'nite everyone. =/
Neil Biswas dreams on at
12:51 a. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
|
