domingo, marzo 16, 2003:
song of the day:
third eye blind - how's it going to be
where we used to laugh
there's a shouting match,
sharp as a thumbnail scratch,
a silence i can't ignore. . .
- it's getting worse and worse. the silence consumes me, and i can't keep away the sadness - worst of all is the knowledge that it really is of my doing, that i brought all of this about. maybe it's time i came clean. but first:
- got up pretty early this morning to finish up some minor stats and physics homework, then started working on science olympiad work. around 11, i stopped by target and picked up a gift for jay, whose house i went to at lunch - his family, being the incredibly nice people they are, threw a surprise birthday party for him, and a lot of us (anya, emily, bui, kunal, shyla, pooja, and i) showed up. it was a ton of fun, but i had to leave early around 2:30 to go to christine's house and work on science olympiad with my partners - who happened NOT TO BE THERE. T_T
- anyways, i came home around 6, tried to start working on spanish, but couldn't muster the will. after dabbling around with some college basketball stuff, i went online. . .and inevitably ran into this matter that i can't get off my mind.
- here's all i can really say: i think i underestimated the value of liking someone, regardless of whether it has an end product. i performed a 180 turn without even thinking, and left someone hanging in the process - and while i didn't think it would change a friendship, i didn't consider the ramifications of being insensitive. that's the word that describes me the best through all of this.
insensitive.
- that's all i am, that's all i've been, and i'm paying the price for it right now. i shouldn't toy with people's feelings, whether i do it consciously or unconsciously, and even though i know in my heart that i never intended to hurt anyone or ever send the wrong message, i managed to screw it all up in the end. and there's nothing i can do anymore.
there is rain ahead of us. it is unavoidable. and in life there are some places where sorrow is inevitable.
Neil Biswas dreams on at
8:44 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
song of the day:
new found glory - head on collision
it's not the falling of the temperature
that's making all our bones run cool,
it's the breeze you make
the presence felt when you're around me. . .
- i especially like that excerpt i just listed; the song's pretty sad, but i like it a lot - and it fits the mood i'm in right now. i'm not feeling too upbeat, sadly, because i think i may have made a terrible mistake that cost me a dear friend. life's not fair. i'll make this quick:
- woke up at 6:30 (WAY too early), and went to my berkeley regents interview at 10. my interviewer was this guatemalan professor who had worked for the u.n., and he was one of the nicest people i have EVER met. he even came out afterwards to talk personally to my dad, and he regarded me so highly - yet i was the one who was completely overwhelmed by all his accomplishments. berkeley's definitely one of my top choices now, just seeing how the faculty treat the students (and at the same time, the mere quality of the professors is mind-blowing).
- because of the rain, i just stayed home the rest of the day, doing homework and studying some physics c. went to bat boy in the evening, and ended my evening talking to chissy for the first time in ages and then chatting with ceci. . .but, as you've already figured out, i ended it on a depressing note.
ironically, it was a blog that saddened me; only, it wasn't my own.
- g'nite everyone. =/
Neil Biswas dreams on at
12:51 a. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
viernes, marzo 14, 2003:
song of the day:
goo goo dolls - sympathy
stranger than your sympathy,
i take these things so i don't feel,
i'm killing myself from the inside out,
now my head's been filled with doubt. . .
- bleah. i'm actually feeling a little deflated as i write this, because ucla had an eleven point lead with three minutes left and they blew it against oregon. . .if they had won the pac-10 tournament, they would have made the ncaa tournament, but now their season's over and coach steve lavin's probably going to get fired. =.= just imagine, it all comes crashing down at once. depressing stuff. =/
it's 3 am. riiiiiise and shiiiiine.
- okay, so what kind of insane guy gets up at three in the morning for no apparent reason? well actually, i had reasons. . .just not very good ones. the first was a direct result of my procrastination on my term paper for biomedical engineering, which was due today - since i hadn't finished it, i had to spend some time finishing it up. to be honest though, that didn't take me much time at all. in all honesty, the main reason i got up was. . .to watch cricket. or rather, to follow live updates online. that's right, my sports addiction has gotten so bad that i'm losing sleep. what kind of FREAKY cricket match could get me up at 3 am?!?!
india vs. new zealand, of course. gotta show my support for my desis.
- mwahahaha. and JUST to let you know, india won by quite a decent margin. so HA! indian pride comes through again!! (don't you just love the way fans seem to think they're personally responsible for their team's performance? "i'm TELLING you, honey, if i go to church, i'm going to miss the football game and we're going to lose. . .") in any case, a well-timed six pack of oreos gave me the sugar boost i needed just to walk to school. . .first period was rather boring. joy, hanna, fay, and i analyzed a weird poem named "mr. z", but mostly just chatted. xD
- poli sci was productive as usual - for all the wrong reasons, of course. =P i finished my spanish hw, which i had PURPOSELY left for the period (this is how irresponsible i'm getting, i purposely leave homework for class periods =.=). ms. seager, for one, will be just as despondent as i am at the bruins' loss tonight - we actually held hope together that ucla could pull off a miracle. . .anywho, onto third period, where the FIRST thing sr. calkins does after the quiz is call on ME to read out my homework. talk about perfect timing. the main highlight of the period was a brilliant stroke by dahlia:
dahlia took all the papers from the row - and put them on my head. -.-
- what's worse, i didn't even notice. so when sr. calkins strolled by, he gave me the weirdest look and pulled the papers off my head. how embarrassing. desperate to remove that memory from my head, i scurried off to snack, where i grabbed the obligatory cup noodles (maruchan has officially taken over my life), which i shamelessly consumed on the way to stats. speaking of stats, our supergroup of rui, connie, and me was FINALLY reunited - albeit one foot away from mrs. want at the front of the room. to give you some background, we all sat together at the back of the room until connie had an affair with rui on monday, which prompted mrs. want to divorce connie and me and keep rui away from her too (translation: we used to talk a lot, and while i was absent on monday mrs. want decided she had had the last straw and broke up our group, to my very rude surprise on tuesday). ah, the fun never stops in that class. . .*cough cough*. . .
- finally, physics. oh boy. physics, physics, physics. we got our tests back first thing, and man - it was CARNAGE. one little fact escaped my mind (voltage drops across capacitors), and somehow it managed to rob me of points on several places throughout the test. definitely not cool. to make amends, i zoned out for the final thirty minutes of class, plotting my revenge. . .on the next test or something. . .
quoth the cecilia: MUNkey!!
- and so i flew off to mun meeting at lunch, where i had a rather delightful discussion with the club about bush, his "war" on iraq, and even better his "war" on france (reminder to everyone: BOYCOTT FRENCH GOODS!!! no more french wine, no more french cheeses, no more french fries!! freedom fries for all!!!) i was pretty lucky the fbi wasn't around, or i probably would have been deported on the spot, despite my natural-born citizenship. i attempted to sneak home surreptitiously afterwards, but was caught red-handed by cecilia, who somehow managed to engage in an absurd conversation with me about guffawing, snickering, and giggling:
giggling: hee hee
snickering: heh heh heh.
guffawing: HAR HAR HAR!!!
- this interactive demonstration brought to you by mr. ankoor biswas. to make a boring afternoon short, i had breakdance, diff eq, and biomed engineering, then a ycy meeting at uci before heading home. and the highlight of my evening: my bro got back together with his girlfriend in san francisco, which made him (and, interestingly, me as well) quite happy. =) nice to end on a positive note~*
Neil Biswas dreams on at
8:33 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
jueves, marzo 13, 2003:
song of the day:
u2 - electrical storm
coffee's cold but it'll get you through,
compromise - that's nothing new to you,
let's see colors that have never been seen,
let's go places no one else has been. . .
- and the blog is officially back. i'll be the first to admit that the layout's a tad pathetic, but it's the best i could do in as much time as i have nowadays. btw, i have a guestbook now - sign it if you want (link's at the end of the post, "welcome to rivendell". . .mr. anderson. . .hehehe). just to give you a taste, i have a berkeley scholarship interview and science olympiad meeting this weekend, followed by math day at the beach next weekend, then state olympiad the week after, and WCIMUN the week after that. . .some time between now and then, i have to finish my county science fair project and study for APs. oh, did i mention that i have UCI finals next week? yupyup.
heeeeeelllp!!!
- some would say i'm moaning too much, but. . .i spit on them. *phtooey* anyways, speaking of not having a lot of time, i find myself in precisely that situation right now - i think i'll wait on writing about my day until AFTER it finishes. . .not a bad idea, no?
Neil Biswas dreams on at
2:46 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
miércoles, marzo 12, 2003:
song of the day:
linkin park - somewhere i belong
what do I have but negativity,
cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me,
nothing to gain, hollow and alone,
and the fault is my own, and the fault is my own. . .
- a new layout!! can you believe it??? i actually found the time to change the old matrix-y one. . .
Neil Biswas dreams on at
8:18 p. m. //
reveal yourself
______________________
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